


Never Let Me Go

by Fishysquishy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Longing, Love, No Smut, Sadness, just ample sadness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-09-12 12:56:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16873308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fishysquishy/pseuds/Fishysquishy
Summary: Mike Zacharias was a man of few words and plenty of secrets. You were one of those many secrets and few words.After the death of Mike, Erwin and the others are left mourning their friend and comrade even in times of turmoil. Journals and letters found are poured over.





	1. Looking up from Underneath

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for clicking! Just to put into perspective, this will be written more journal style with letters in it as well. This first chapter is more of a flashback and Mike's death scene.

Mike refused to let his squad die and refused to let the 104th cadets die; and while he did value his own life, he was more than prepared to die to save others. This is where he found himself staring down the worst thing he had ever seen. He wouldn't dignify it by calling it a Titan, it was truly a thing of horrors. And he finds himself unable to fight, being a hypocrite to his own words he spoke what felt like only minutes earlier to Nanaba. He was a coward to be cowed in the face of the thing in front of him, that was speaking to him. Mike shook and dipped down in horror, expecting the moment of death to come upon him at any moment. Tears gathered in his eyes as his mind reeled with thoughts of his life, of the Survey Corps, of his friends, and most importantly of you. 

 

_ “Mike,” the squeal left your lips without your permission as he tossed you over his shoulder. “Put me down you giant! I have chores to get to!” You never got a response as you laughed breathily and smacked at Mike’s back, you both knew you’d prefer wherever Mike was carting you off to rather than to do your chores.  _

 

_ A hum escaped the gentle giant carrying you god knows where and pretended not to notice your thumps to his back or the odd looks passerbys were giving. Neither of you truly cared what others thought at your silly antics even at the age 18. The two of you haven’t really changed since you were children and you didn’t anticipate it happening anytime soon. Many people told the two of you to grow up and find yourselves jobs, be real adults, and move on with this childish notion of always being together- people grow apart. But you and Mike were solid, always have been and always will be.  _

 

_ “You know (y/n), you should really build up muscle if you ever hope to escape from me,” there was a light joking tone in Mike’s voice as he spoke and you puffed out a breath, pretending to be upset. Soon your feet rejoin the ground and you look up at the mountain of man you love so much, a wide smile adorning your features as you do. He gives you one of those rare smiles of his in turn as he tucks a piece of hair behind your ear before kissing you softly.  _

 

_ As you pull away, you can see the conflict in his eyes, “Mike? What’s the matter? You look like you can’t decide between rabbit stew or fish curry!” Your attempt at a joke doesn’t get the response you hope for and your smile drops. You know something bad is going to happen, some terrible news is about to be shared with you. “No Mike,” your voice cracks lightly. You don’t like bad news. “Don’t tell me something I don’t want to hear.” _

 

_ Mike doesn’t argue with you as he pulls you in close to his chest, he doesn’t want to say it either. He doesn’t want to tell you how he’s going to join the Cadet Corps and go into the Survey Corps once he graduates. He doesn’t want to leave you or tell you without words that his death is all but imminent in his decision. But you already know, you saw it in her eyes and in the papers on the desk of his room. He knows you know, but that never meant he didn’t want to tell you anyway so you weren’t left guessing and lamenting once he was gone.  _

 

Mike feels his ODM belt leave his waist and he looks up, rather startled, to see the thing in front of him holding it delicately. It turns to leave and the titans around Mike are once again allowed to do as they please, but not before Mike gets to his feet and pushes down the fear. You wouldn’t have wanted him to die, much less die on his knees, and he was going to honor you one last time. Honor his squad, Erwin, Levi, and everyone else but doing what he must as a soldier and never stop fighting. 

 

The resolve certainly doesn’t stop the titans around him from closing in on the lone man on the field and ignoring his, now, rather ineffective weapon. Pain takes over his senses before he can move to strike. What he wouldn’t give to have listened to you in that moment. 

 

_ “Mike,” your voice is soft and full of emotions, tears unshed in your eyes as you try to hold yourself together. “Are you really leaving? Are you really going to be a soldier?” _

 

_ For a long moment Mike doesn’t respond and that aggravates the emotions rolling inside you as the tears stark the trek down your face. You know the answer in his silence. “I’m sorry (y/n), but I have to. I need to. I know we have had peace for many years with the walls as safety, but I don’t just want to always live in fear that one day the walls will break. I don’t want you to live like that.” _

 

_ You’re not one to get angry often, if at all to begin with, but you don’t see the truth or reasoning behind Mike’s word in your despair. You only hear that he’s going to leave you and he’s going to die out there. That he’s going to leave you here, “Mike you’re so selfish!” The words burst from your mouth as a verbal lashing, Mike flinches at the venom and emotion in your voice. “You only think about what you want! You want to ditch chores, we ditch chores! You want to take me somewhere I don’t want to go? We go anyway! And now you’re not even considering how I feel! _

 

_ “Why are you throwing your life, our life down the drain for some idealized thoughts of what might be or could be? Nothing is going to change: we hide in these walls and we live, we go outside the walls and we die! You’re going to die and your selfish for wanting that!” _

 

_ Mike is silent as you cry and scream at him, he knew you’d be upset, but he wasn’t expecting this visceral of a reaction from the soft, sweet girl he loves and wants to marry. The ring he gave you comes flying at him as you storm out of his room and away from him. A sadness fills his heart accompanied by the pain of a growing hole he’s sure is already forming in the shape of your presence in his life. He picks up the engagement ring he gave you and slowly collapses to the floor as his decision weighs on him, but he can’t go back now.  _

 

The first scream that leaves Mike’s mouth as he starts to get ripped apart echoes before being stomped out by the gurgle of blood in his mouth and throat. He thinks that if by some miracle he survives this, he’ll go see you again. He’ll tell you all about the Survey Corps and what it was like. About how much he misses you and wishes that he would have listened to you. That the pain of his limbs ripping and his body being devoured was nothing compared to the day he left you.  __

 

_ The wagon arrives to pick up the new recruits for the Cadets and Mike scans the crowd to try and see if you’ll see him off. The two of you haven’t spoken in days and he’d like to see you one last time before he might never get the chance again. Mike could deal with you being upset at him, but he couldn’t deal with not seeing you and the last few days had been torture for him. The other boys and girls are loading into the various wagons and it pains him to see it’s almost time for him to climb in as well.  _

 

_ Seconds tick by and the heaviness in his heart feels like lead in his shoes as he turns from scanning the crowd to climb in. You weren’t going to see him off and Mike truly felt alone for the first time in his life and he felt he could understand the pain of his leaving that you must be experiencing. One step up and he’s partially in. One more step and his fate is sealed without your face to look at one last time.  _

 

_ “Mike,” you shout over the crowd as you run as fast as you can. You were being an idiot for ignoring Mike and getting mad at him. You knew it was coming, most men and women went into the Military and especially if they didn’t have a family trade. Mike didn’t have a trade and he was never truly interested in being a farmer or store owner. Not like you. “Mike wait!” _

 

_ At hearing his name and your voice shouting it, Mike turns as fast as he steps down from the wagon to embrace your form flying into his arms. Your tears hit his chest and you two hold each other as tightly as you can manage. “Mike,” your voice is raspy and muffled and he shushes you softly.  _

 

_ “I’m sorry for getting mad at you, it’s not your fault and you’re not selfish,” you voice rushes out of you the moment you can speak properly and Mike gazes at your gentle features holding anguish. He stops your apology by kissing you so softly with so much passion your left speechless once he pulls away. Mike wipes the tears from your cheeks with that smile he only reserves for you despite the painful squeeze of his chest.  _

 

_ There are tears in his eyes too, but he does a better job of not letting them fall as he speaks for your ears only, “You came. That’s all the apology I need.” Mike swoops in to kiss you again and fishes in his pocket to pull out your engagement ring. “I know you don’t like me going and I know we might never be with each other again, but this is yours.” He slides a chain around your neck with the ring attached and renewed tears fall down your cheeks.  _

 

_ “Oi! Hurry it up,” one of the recruitment officers yells at you two. You hug Mike closely and are tempted not to let go, but you do anyway. “I love you Mike,” you tear-tainted speech feels like a blow to his heart. “You’ll always have my heart too.” You slip a chain around his neck too with a ring attached all the same way before you depart in sorrow.  _

 

_ Mike watches as the only person to ever own his heart walks out of his life and walks out of yours. He fingers the ring and relents to his fate and his decisions.  _

 

The light is fading quickly and with it the pain, Mike knows this is the end and he’s almost glad. He watches as the ring and chain stored safely in his pocket falls out and drops to the floor helplessly. He thinks it’s poetic justice somehow. 

 

A tear slips down his cheek and Mike accepts his fate and his decisions. 

  
  



	2. Fractured Moonlight on the Sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hange is the first to know of Mike's death and must deliver the news to Erwin and Levi. They mourn silently in his room and stumble upon his secrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Real quick, I'm not really focusing on the plot of Attack on Titan too much because I want to focus more on the in between the major movements and whatnot. Specifically how Erwin, Levi, and Hange react and more importantly on the past sort of thing.

Hange knew Mike was dead, she didn’t need to see a body nor did she need to have seen his death to know. Nanaba, Gelgar, and the rest of Mike’s squad were dead and that was the only conformation she needed to know when she lead the Scouts to rescue the rest of the 104th Cadets at Utgard Castle. There was no Mike and there was no Mike Squad in sight. Hange knew this came with the job and the territory, the unavoidable death, but even she was shocked to know Mike had died. He was an excellent fighter and she can’t imagine he went down very easily or painlessly. 

The clean up and rescue of the 104th was arduous and unpleasant, but Hange lead them through it all and killed her fair share of titans in honor of Mike. She didn’t know if she could break the news to Levi and especially Erwin, even if they both know the dangers of their job, it wouldn’t soften the blow of losing a dear friend. Nothing could ever soften the blow and with how Mike must have ended, it only made it sharper. 

 

Time passes as Hange stands atop the wall with others and looking down at the land below. Somewhere out there, Mike was killed and the thought threatens to mist her eyes with tears, but she stays strong for the others as she turns to address them all. They need to get back to headquarters and wait for Erwin or a messenger to give another order. At least, Hange thought, for now they’re all safe even with the losses and pain she was sure was lingering just underneath the surface of everyone’s brave face. 

 

It was an insult to Hange when two of the 104th turned into the titans who destroyed humanity’s hope. Mike gave his life to save traitors who would’ve killed him if they had the had the chance. They would’ve left him to the titans if they didn’t deal the blow themselves and her blood boil underneath the surface. Even her excitement over getting to see them up close was nothing compared to the rage trapped inside her. Hange would make the suffer if she ever got her hands on them, that she promised herself as orders flew from her mouth to try to recover Eren and Ymir. 

 

The fight was useless and Reiner and Bertolt, the traitors, got away. Hange wanted to laugh and cry all at once, Mike never would have let them go and she was doing a disservice to him to allow them to slip through her fingertips. The meeting at Headquarters was swift- track down the traitors to the Giant Forest in Wall Maria, get Eren and Ymir back, retreat behind Wall Rose- and everyone started to mobilize. There was no time for rest and recuperation, only to keep going and fight. 

 

Erwin, Levi, and Hange all sat in Mike’s room in silence. The news had been delivered swiftly and felt like kicking a downed puppy in Hange’s opinion. They’ve lost so much in such short time and there was no true way to get use to that. And Erwin, for all he was worth, showed emotion at knowing his deeply trusted and long time friend is dead. His pain was palpable as he stared at Mike’s desk in silence with Levi and Hange at his side. Erwin would deny it should anyone ask, but he shed a tear in the silence of the suffocating room and had to be held back from destroying all that was in front of him. 

 

After Erwin calmed down and sat in one of the chairs Levi sighed and spoke, “Shitty way to die protecting traitors.” Erwin was half tempted to smack Levi, but he knew it would make no difference and he knew Levi was dealing with the loss in his own way. Hange was the one who started to snoop around first, her curiosity getting the better of her despite the despair lingering heavy in the air. “I never did get to know Mike closely,” Hange remarked as she poked around the documents on his desk and rifling through the drawers. “One time I saw he had a ring on a chain and when I tried to ask about it he simply walked away. I know this is a bad time to go through his things, but it’s also a worse time to be mourning, we have work to do.”

 

Levi and Erwin could agree with Hange on that matter and didn’t try to stop her from looking through Mike’s belongings- however sparse they were. An ‘AHA’ left Hange’s mouth as she found a key taped underneath Mike’s chair, an odd place for a key unless you were hiding something. “Help me find where this key goes! Maybe we can actually learn something about Mike and his personal life,” the wicked smile on her face hide the sadness of knowing she’d never be able to ask him about anything she found. Erwin only closed his eyes and leaned back, “If Mike has secrets to keep, let them rest in peace with him.” 

 

“Shitty glasses,” Levi all but spat as he stood up and strode over to her snatching the key. “He’s dead. Dead men don’t have secrets and if they did, we shouldn’t be uncovering them.” 

 

Hange frowned deeply at both Levi and Erwin, “Isn’t what we’re doing as jobs uncovering dead men's’ secrets? We try to figure out what the hell titans are and why they are what they are and why they do what they do. We’re trying to retake wall Maria and figure out all the secrets to these walls as we do. Walls dead men built!” 

 

Levi ‘hmphed’ and turned away from her and Erwin slowly rose to his feet because as much as he’d like to leave well enough alone, he was curious about Mike as well. And he wanted to know what Mike never spoke about in the few words he shared to others. “Let’s search then,” Erwin’s deep voice rumbled as he, too, started looking around Mike’s room and through his belongings. 

 

Levi joined in soon enough because as cold as he was, he always kind of wanted to know Mike better too. Mike was humanity’s second strongest and if Levi wasn’t at least a little curious about the eccentric tree it would’ve been a crime. Not long after they start their search does Erwin find what they were all looking for- a small chest with a lock that was tucked behind Mike’s socks and underwear. All three of them crowd around the box in silent contemplation about what could possibly be in there. 

 

The key in Levi’s hand slides into the lock and they hear the click of it coming undone. Erwin slowly lifts the top of the chest to see a picture of what they can only assume is a younger Mike and a woman hanging off his shoulders. “He’s smiling,” Levi notes as he gingerly picks up the photo to turn it around and look at the back. “There’s no date, but there’s names and ages.”

 

_ Mike & (Y/n) , 16 _

 

“There’s letters in here too,” Hange observes before taking them out and resting them to the side. Erwin and Levi are still staring at the picture in what could only be described as awe. Mike rarely smiled and they’ve never seen him show interest in others before, at least not in the sense they were getting from the photo. “Oh, there’s drawings and a journal too.”

 

Erwin turned to look at the other items Hange pulled from the chest and he slowly picked up the letter on top that seemed to be the most recent, it was addressed to Mike. He slowly opened it and was beckoned to read its contents by the other two in the room. 

 

_ Dear Mike,  _

 

_ I was very terrified to hear of the problems in Trost and the attack of the Collosal Titan again. I can’t imagine how terrifying that must’ve been for everyone involved and the cadets who were barely graduating. This only makes me worry for you more and I fear one day you will be caught in the jaws of death and not make it back to me.  _

 

_ You know, I still remember the day you graduated. Ever the serious and passive look on your face even as you were announced to be graduating in the number one spot. I didn’t end up seeing you until a day later after that when you had a free day. You seemed so at peace despite already knowing your commitment to the Survey Corps and I was, and still am, beyond proud of you for your accomplishments. From that day and all the other days in between.  _

 

_ Do remember how I challenged you to a drinking game that night and you practically wiped the floor with me? Because I do and I’ll never forget the look of love and care in your eyes as you looked at me lamenting my poor drinking skills on the ground. You were never good at hiding your emotions from me, were you?  _

 

_ … sometimes I still wish you never joined. I miss you more than words could ever describe and more than actions alone could convey. I wish you never left our little town and the life I craved for us, even with the Titans beyond the wall being a constant threat. I know my words are selfish, but I’ll never stop wishing you had chosen differently even if I support you. I only ever wanted you to stay with me forever and while these letters don’t always cut it, I’m assured in the comfort your words bring whenever I get a letter back.  _

 

_ Oh, my sweet, gentle giant what am I ever to do with you? I want you to come home to me. I want you to stop chasing Titans and the end of the world; I want you to be in my arms again. I want you to myself again.  _

 

_ I hope this letter finds you in good health. I pray for you every night and I’m eager to read your reply. Please be safe and know I’ll always be here for you no matter what may happen.  _

 

_ I miss you dearly everyday you’re away. I love you Mike and I fear for you.  _

 

_ Yours Always, _

_ (Y/N) _

 

There’s a sharp intake of breath from Hange, the chain with the ring must’ve been from you. Erwin’s face is placcid once more and he folds the letter back up before placing it among the others. Levi isn’t sure he wants to believe that Mike had a wife, or at the very least a lover, because in their position it was foolish. Mike isn’t foolish.

 

But the truth of the evidence was that: Mike had someone who is expecting him and she’ll never get him back. Death is permanent and his was sharp to even those who didn’t know him very well. They didn’t want to dwell on how you were going to feel when the news reached your ears. 

  
  



	3. Reflections Still Look the Same to Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're beginning to wonder just how much Mike had hidden, but at the very least are glad to know him more even after his departure.

Too much always seems to happen in too little of a time, Erwin decided. The plan was to get back Eren and Ymir, then if possible to capture the colossal and armored titans. Yet instead Erwin lost an arm and they only managed to get back Eren in the end. It was a definite blow to the entirety of the Scouts who gave their lives, but at the very least they still have Eren. Eren, who could literally sick titans on one another like it was nothing. That didn’t lessen the pain of his missing arm nor did it truly do much for morale as they arrived exhausted and spent back at Headquarters. 

 

Erwin sat in his chair for a long moment as he looked at the documents waiting for his attention. He couldn’t focus on them no matter how demanding they were and he was relieved when Hange and Levi showed up- no doubt to ask about their next move and what was to happen from here on out. It was almost a surprise to Erwin when he saw Mike’s chest held safely in Hange’s arms. 

 

“We figured we could get to know Mike more instead of being sad, and besides taking a break every now and again is good for us,” Hange had a weak smile on her face, but Erwin was thankful her and Levi were there. “Should we read the letters from oldest back to the newest? Or do we want to crack open the journal? I’m thinking we can leave the drawings for after we finish the other two.”

 

“Letters,” Erwin rumbled. “Oldest to newest.” Levi shifted through the letters before finding the oldest in the box and started to read. 

 

_ Dear Mike,  _

 

_ I feel really silly writing you a letter you know? Like I’m some old woman who can’t leave her home and the only way she can communicate with her distant children is through letters. I’m not an old woman Mike and I’ll pinch your ear if you’re laughing and picturing me as one right now. Because you’d make an even more hilarious old man! I can imagine you as one and it is very hilarious, I’ll draw you as an old man and send it to you next letter. It’ll be funny. All stooped over and cursing at your back pains because you’re a giant? Can you imagine yourself as one? _

 

_ Well, I suppose you can’t, not really. Death is waiting for you at every corner in your line of work. I doubt you’ll make it past middle age even with your skills. Titans are more numerous than blades produced and flock faster than humans can recuperate. You’re stupid to have joined the Scouts where death is even more prevalent. It’s like you Want to die and leave this world.  _

 

_ … you don’t truly want to die do you? I’m sorry, I should not have said those things to you as you’re the one fighting for our safety and have lost the comfort of home. I’m the one playing the fool by spiteing you. I don’t mean it.  _

_ I just wish you were here with me, that’s all. Not on the front lines of a war we can never seem to win. I fear for you Mike as much as I have feared the day you would stop loving me. I think my fear of your death is stronger than losing your love. I can handle no longer being the owner of your heart, but I could never live with the reality of your death. All I care for is your safety these days and no amount of reassuring words can ease my nerves.  _

 

_ Do you remember our 16th birthday? It feels as if it was just yesterday you proposed to me on that day despite our tender age, but in reality it’s been 5 years. I’ll never forget the look on my parents face as you dropped down on your knee to ask me to marry you one day. And I’ll  certainly never forget the hazing my older brother and father gave you to test if you were truly a good fit for me. I was damn near swooned so hard as to fall off my feet as you proved yourself to them over and over again despite the fact I already gave you my seal of approval. My mother, I think, was the only one in my family who was happy. Your parents were ecstatic as well with your decision and my acceptance.  _

 

_ The celebration after I said yes (and for our shared birthday) was truly the happiest I have ever been. Even you couldn’t keep the smile from your face as we ate as much as we possibly could and threw leather scrap balls at one another. You were so handsome then and you still are to this day, a part of me wishes we could relive that day. I don’t think either of us have ever been as happy as we were that day.  _

 

_ I miss you so terribly Mike and it’ll only be worse because I won’t see you as I drop off the straps for ODM to the Cadet Headquarters for distribution. Please come back to me soon, I love you.  _

 

_ Yours Always,  _

_ (Y/N) _

 

“I’m starting to think there was definitely a lot more to Mike than I originally gave him credit for,” Hange pursed her lips and looked at the photo they all knew now to be of the day you and Mike got engaged. “I never struck him as the type to let people close to him.”

 

Erwin shifted in his chair and he frowned softly, he knew Mike since they were cadets together. He never once saw you, but then again, he wouldn’t have paid enough attention to someone dropping off leather to have known. Nor did Mike ever mention you or give any indication that he really knew anyone there. “Read the next one Levi,” Erwin’s voice rumbled out. “We still have time.”

 

_ Dear Mike,  _

 

_ I’m glad to hear you made it back from the Expedition in tact and that you, also, know our engagement as the time we were happiest. I’m sorry if I made you unhappy at all with my words, I’m trying for you to not be so harsh in my opinions. I’m proud of you for standing up for humanity and wanting to free us from the shackles attaching us to the walls.   _

 

_ Hoover has, unfortunately, gotten on my case about you ‘abandoning’ me for war and uses his power as head of the family business now to work me extra hard. Day in and day out I’m tanning leather and running deliveries like a chicken with it’s head cut off. My blood is spewing everywhere as I panic to get everything done for I collapse for the day. He also insists on finding me a ‘proper husband’ as if I would ever allow that. Any day I have off is occupied with meeting suitors from Wall Sina (a wonder how my brother knows them, though I’m sure they just want to marry me for the business once Hoover dies) that bore me with their pompous attitudes and rigid adherence to social rules.  _

 

_ I am no lady and I will never be such one, but it’s not all bad over here. I usually find the time to sneak off and visit our spot. I’m thinking I might want to build a home there and get out from under Hoover’s thumb. Our spot is rather perfect for a home for us and maybe a child one day too if we ever decide we want one. Our parents would surely be thrilled and I wouldn’t mind a little us running around. I suppose that’s all something for me to think about in the time I have with my thoughts I refuse to share with anyone but you.  _

 

_ If you can, I’d love to see you on your next day off. I miss you and your beautiful green eyes that only ever held emotion for me to see. It’s painful without you Mike.  _

 

_ Yours Always,  _

_ (Y/N) _

 

Silence fell around the trio as they took in the words from the letter. “Do you think Mike and (Y/n) ever built that house or had a child,” Levi’s interest was piqued despite himself. Mike was a strange man and so it never occurred to him that Mike could lead a life even close to simple. Neither Erwin nor Hange responded right away, it was hard to think of Mike, as hard-lined as he was, to have a wife and possibly a child. 

 

“I’d think so,” Erwin finally broke the silence. “Mike had the temperament for being a good father and I can’t imagine with how much letters there are that they didn’t even get accidentally pregnant.” Hange hummed her agreement as Levi repacked the chest to be as neat as it was when they first opened it. 

 

Hange stroked the top of the chest, “I’m glad we got to know more of Mike, even if he’s no longer with us.” Levi and Erwin murmured their agreements before they got back to the task at hand of hunting down the beast, armored, and colossal titans.  

  
  



	4. As Before I Went Under

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your pain is more palpable than ever in the next letter they read and stirring unpleasant emotions for some.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: some mentions of torture, nothing too big  
> I hope you enjoy the new chapter! And sorry for my absence, I was in a writing funk.

The beast titan was becoming a very major concern for the Scouts, they didn’t have any information on that titan. They could tell you about the Colossus, Armored, or Female Titan no problem. The Colossus was over 20 meters tall and gave off incredibly hot steam that prevented anyone from getting to close without the fear of burns. The Armored Titan’s skin was extremely tough and hard to break through, if they could, but had vulnerable spots where the armor didn’t cover him. The Female Titan could run exceptionally fast as well as crystalize certain parts of her skin to prevent damage, that broke blades should someone strike the crystal. With the lack of information, Erwin deemed it best to lie in wait and tackle a different problem- the walls hiding Titans within them. 

 

Erwin ordered the capture of a man named Nick, who was the Pastor complaining about the damages to the Church of Walls when they raided Stonehess for the Female Titan. Despite the loss of his arm, Erwin refused to simply retire and throw away the deaths he ordered, and he was more than prepared to lead torturing the Pastor for information. Of course, they were going to ask nicely first, but if the man didn’t give them what they wanted when they were being reasonable, then Erwin had no qualms about getting unreasonable. Levi and Hange shared the blonde Commander’s sentiments. 

 

“Alright,” Hange sighed as she leaned back in the chair she was sitting in before the Pastor. “I’m only going to ask one more time because everyone here is running low on patience. Even me. You don’t want my patience to run out.”

 

She gave a well meaning look to the Pastor to say that she was no stranger to torture, even if it was to Titans and not humans, but morals be damned at this point in time. Levi glared openly with vibrant hatred as Erwin simply stared passively at the man. The conflicting looks and acts set the Pastor on edge, but he would never give up his secrets. The Walls’ secrets. 

 

“You don’t scare me,” his voice wobbled and tears filled his vision. Damn did they scare him, but he wasn’t going to let them defile the walls and their history. Hange, ever the one with the most patience pulled out the famed chest belonging to their dearly departed friend. Nick’s breath stopped in his chest as he waited for what horror was going to come out of that chest. 

 

Erwin picked up the photo that rested on top, sliding it over to the Pastor, “There are many ways to measure our worth as humans. How strong we are. How useful we are. How steadfast we appear. The dedication we put back into the world. Into humanity. There are also many ways in which to measure our insignificance as humans, but what qualifies us as insignificant in the first place? It is often the deluded and misguided idea that what you hold precious to you is above all else in the world.” 

 

Erwin’s fingers tapped the photo he lay down. “The man is this picture is known as Mike Zacharius and he is a worthy man. He never hesitated to lay down his life in the service of others. Humanity’s second strongest who always had a clear head and a calmness in the face of horror that most only dream of. He left behind the woman in this photo to dedicate his time to repairing humanity and aid in the effort to relieve us of the shackles Titans have bound us with. This man is the most worthy you will never get the pleasure of meeting because he is dead now.”

 

“The secrets you so desperately cling to have lead many who are worthy to their death and what of you? You are the definition of insignificant as you think what the walls hide and what you claim to protect, what you swear keeps Titans out, are above the lives of the many who have died in their aid to humanity’s survival. A meek man who only rose to such a position from the destruction of Wall Maria and the continued onslaught of Titans within the walls, but where has your praying got you? It has not made you anymore of a person in anyone’s eyes and the hiding behind secrets that could save human from extinction is cowardice.”

 

Nick shook in his seat, he wasn’t expecting to get told all these things. It was more unpleasant than if they stabbed him, gagged him, flayed him, or any other torture experience they could think up. He’s a good man, he tells himself, he pleads to the silenced heavens above to agree with him- that he is a good man. What he’s doing is the right thing and everyone else is wrong. Nick is only doing what needs to be done, for humanity, for the walls, for his own damn integrity and pride. He wouldn’t let them ensnare him in their webs-- 

 

His thoughts are cut off as a voice starts speaking again. 

 

_ Dear Mike,  _

 

_ I’m so glad you were able to see me on your day off, you have no idea how happy it makes me. Especially to see you in such good health after what the horrors beyond the wall must present to you. You’re as strong and resilient as you’ve ever been. I cannot wait to have you in my arms again. To be wrapped up in your love is more than enough to make up for the loneliness that plagues me when you’re gone.  _

 

_ I hate you being gone even if I know it’s your duty to do so. What I wouldn’t give to have you stay with me forever, wrapped in our own fantasies and tales of grandeur. Do you remember when we use to stay up all night watching the stars and speaking of marrying each other? You wanted 10 kids, if I remember correctly. You wouldn’t settle for a smaller number and were very adamant that they were all ours. I miss those days of our youth and the consistency of you being with me.  _

 

_ Do you think you’ll ever retire from the Scouts? When you start to climb in age, would you ever consider retiring and staying with me again? I never want you to leave my side Mike, it is the most painful of all partings. Every time you walk away from me to return to risking your life for humanity I lose a part of myself.  _

 

_ I should also thank you for with dealing with Hoover he should back off for the time being. To have him hear the two of us making love surely wasn’t the best plan though, but I suppose even I can’t argue the effectiveness of something such as that. Although he did end up yelling at me and claiming I was no longer pure for a suitable husband. He did shut up when I said  that You Are My Husband. Hoover truly has no backbone when it comes to facing you directly, you know, and trying to marry me off when I’m already taken must’ve fed his ego that he was pulling one over you. A shame he’s not a true man of honor or strength, he’s truly an insignificant person isn’t he?  _

 

_ I can only write so much about the good before the bad starts to resurface and consume my thoughts. I don’t wish to worry you or bring you down, my green-eyed lover, but there is no cure to my ails other than you. I know I’ve said it a million times by now, but I miss you so much. Thinking of the distance between us brings tears to my eyes, oh I don’t know how my fragile heart would ever be able to handle your death- whether by old age or Titans.  _

 

_ Please, write back to me soon to staunch the flow of my tears and ease my heavy heart even just a little bit. I love you Mike.  _

 

_ Yours Always, _

_ (Y/N) _

 

Levi finishes the letter with a long look at the Pastor. There are no words to describe the emotions the letter contains nor to punctuate the tears the page leaked with cries. Hange, Erwin, and Levi felt the weight of Mike settle back heavily on them just as when they first found out. You were out there breaking as Mike never sends a letter back to you and you’re left to wonder what truly happened to your husband. You would never get the closure of a body either. 

 

The air was weighted with feelings that lingered, but never spilled out from mouths. Pastor Nick, for all that he wasn’t worth, managed to keep himself from breaking. No amount of guilt or pain would get him to spill. No amount. None. 

 

Erwin rose from his seated position and started to walk towards the door, “Levi, Hange, let’s go, but leave the picture for the Pastor to stare at while we’re gone. Maybe he will repent for his sins and come clean when we come back to him.”

 

The other two followed after Erwin with the chest tucked safely under Hange’s arm. The door closed behind them with a loud ‘THUNK’ that made Nick flinch in his chained position in his chair. He couldn’t do anything other than stare and think, think and stare. Despite his best efforts, his stares always came to rest on the picture of Mike and (Y/N). How happy they looked. The wall that faded in the distance behind them. The slight glint of a ring on your finger. The peace and happiness that radiated from the photo. Nick had to look away, but he only continued to stare as tears filled his eyes. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, this probably totally doesn't follow the anime or mange very much- loosely, but not a whole bunch. Mainly bc I haven't caught up on the anime bc I'm a sensitive bean. Feedback and comments are greatly appreciated!


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